Goodbye

"I don't think most people truly understand how much is lost when you lose a baby. You don't just lose it, you also lose birthdays, cuts and abrasions on their hands and feet, first teeth, loose teeth, and first days of school.. You just lose it all.

Sometimes you're okay, sometimes you're not.

You will always remember the time you held it in you, and the times when you had its company while your husband had to work late. You will always remember the times you were thinking of it even in your prayers, hoping for it to grow up healthy and strong. You will always remember the first time you're seeing it on the ultrasound monitor, hoping to see it moving and showing you signs of life..

But then it doesn't.

It just stops growing, and its heart just stops beating.

You never got the chance to hold it, neither have you had any chance to even hear it cry. You can only carry it in your heart from this moment on."

I have contemplated for the longest time, on whether or not I should come out and be open about my loss. Part of me really wanted to do it, because I'm sure I'm not the only one. And of course, being able to know that myself would be a very nice way to move on.

So, here I am, reaching out to the strong ladies who have gone through what I have.. God sure knows best.

The loss of my baby happened overnight, on my 10th week, and I can never describe the way my heart broke when the doctor told me that it was no longer there.

There were so many questions running through my head at that point and I can't even imagine how disappointed my husband felt. For my sake, he has to be strong. And the least I can do is appear to be stronger than he expects me to be.

It was difficult, especially through the night, when I'm about to fall asleep. And I suddenly think of how I often rub my tummy, hoping hard that it can feel my warmth. It was the kind of ache in my heart that I can never, ever describe.

Occasionally, I would cry myself to sleep. And when that happens, I feel guilty for being weak - especially in front of my husband who is possibly struggling to stay strong as well.

However, as I mentioned, over time.. It gets better. No, it doesn't completely heal. And I bet it never will. Several things will always, always remind me of my baby.

But you can't grieve and be sad forever, right?

I just want to come out and say that I truly understand the fact that this decision was made by Allah. He took something away from me because it was probably not good for me, and I don't know it.. He does. I will never know the reason why it happened, but any challenge is a blessing.

What this loss has taught me? Everything about love and life.

And most importantly, as said in the Quran 94:6..

"Verily, with every hardship comes ease."

I've always prayed and will continue praying that things will continue to get better. And of course, to all my friends who have faced or are facing a loss, I will keep you in my prayers too. Just remember that whenever Allah gives you a difficulty, any difficulty.. He is giving you every available room to get closer to Him.

He is giving you every chance to lean on Him. Allah suka hamba yang meminta, because He wants us to always remember that we should always only lean on Him.

And that He is always, always there.

(O'Allah, I have so much love for You, I can't even describe it.) ♥